no matter how i slice it. no matter how much i write about, talk about, or think about. i miss our times together. i miss seeing you or talking to you every day...i wish you were still here.
how do i cure this? when does it end? does it?
i just wanted to say that.
now i never will again
cuz you cant hear me anyway

Current Location: United States, ,
Current Music: random

being single. Not having someone to share this time of year with. Someone to go to family functions with. To buy gifts for. To make holiday memories with.
Most of "they" who say that do have someone to do these things with and probably take it all for granted.
But what about those of us that don't have it?
Who come home to an empty house after an 8 hour day at work to find nothing has changed?
Who put up Christmas decorations alone?
Who buy gifts for their mom, a few friends, and that's it?
Or start dreading Holiday party planning in the fear that you will be the odd numbered wheel?
What do we say?
Or what do I say?
I say it sucks
Big time
And I still miss her.
The strangest things from day to day remind me of her. A joke I make that I know she would laugh at...A funny situation at my job that I think she would enjoy hearing about. Drive past the restaurant we went to on our first date.
I go out and meet a new girl or two, and find that I don't enjoy her company half as much as I did hers.
So what do you say to that?
I wonder if she thinks about me. If she has already met someone new that she can bring around to the Holiday celebrations this year. Or if she comes home to her house, sleeps in her bed, and wonders what I am doing.
I have a bad day at work and want to talk to someone about it. Someone who "gets me"
And I really thought, up until Labor Day. That she did. Maybe she still does. Or maybe she never did.
Maybe this year on New Year's Eve at Midnight she will kiss someone new.
Maybe I will.
Either way, as much as this isnt the end of the world, it really feels like it now.

Current Mood: disappointed

so say a few people that have read my entries on this fine site the last few months. I just appreciate the fact that people are reading and enjoying, since I mostly write to get things off my chest. and the fact that people read and ask for more, is actually really something that helps my otherwise fragile ego.
Last weekend I was over at Ken's and he was gracious enough to let me sleep over. As I was drifting off to sleep on his couch I had my official idea for a full length book. I have dreamed of being a published author since the age of 10 when I started my first journal. I am sure I won't be still, that is a pipe dream. But I figure if I write a longer form and work on it every day, I can at least say I tried. The idea will be kept to myself until the end result. As I am sure it will change as I write.
Besides, the best therapy I can have right now is to not keep any of these feelings and thoughts I have gone through the last year.
If you want excerpts, first drafts, or countless stories of my struggling to find my voice, let me know
Stay tuned

There are two words I forgot to say to you. Or that I didn't think of until after you walked out. In the week since I have
seen you and I was working on forgetting about you and "us", I had a few "a-ha" moments that I want to tell you about.
I want to tell you about how you made me feel. How you made me feel loved again and happy for a few fleeting moments.
How you made me lose sleep and made me feel that you leaving "us" would destroy me. How you made me feel insecure and needy
for wanting to see the girl that I called "girlfriend". How you made me feel overly emotional, when really you were the
one that was afraid to express your emotions until you found negative ones to convey.
If I saw you again, I hope I would find the courage to say these two words to you.
If my phone rang again, and I heard your voice on the other end, I hope you would give me the time to say them.
After all, you told me how you feel about all of this, and made the decision.
I hope those two words that I want to say to you wouldnt be misintrepreted, or give you the wrong idea.
The point is, I do miss you, and I miss our times together. And right now it feels like that feeling wont go away.
I know you will meet someone else that will make you feel good about yourself again. That you can introduce to your family,
friends, and to your true self.
But, the two words I want to say to you are wanting to be said because I know I will meet someone too
So the two words
"Thank you"
For ending a relationship that only one of us was truly "in"
For not letting me continue to wonder
For resting my brain
For letting my body get some rest again
For giving me inspiration
For not wasting my time
And for getting me one person closer to the real person I am supposed to be with.
Thank you
But...for now...
The pain is here
And thank you for reminding me that I am human. That I have the potential to love again. To be a boyfriend again
And to be hurt again and hurt again.
Thank you
For getting me close to me.
And for reminding me I only need me to live
I hope you find whatever it is you are looking for
Thank you for relief
And for a pretty great summer
I will see a car. A book on a shelf. Hear a song. Smell your perfume on other girls
And be reminded of you.
Thank you
Thank you for giving me something to write about.

Has it been that long since I have written...Guess so...At least thats what the livejournal log in told me.
I am writing because it feels necessary. And I always feel slightly better after doing so.
A WARNING...THIS IS A LONG ENTRY!!!
You can comment, you can call, you can read or not....
I just want to write to get this off my chest

Unfortunately, I write again because of more heartache. I thought I had had my share of it, and was really of the mindset that things were on the up.
I was wrong.
I joined Okcupid.com back in...March? Its a free dating website and I told myself I wanted to meet someone new, I wanted to "get back out there" and..well for free..why not right?
I talked to a few girls via the website and eventually saw Ashlee as a match in my inbox one day. We started talking on OKcupid, online, and eventually on the phone. I finally asked her out after about our third phone conversation. We met, got along, and started spending a lot of time together. I liked her. School teacher, just bought a house, great sense of humor, (a lot like mine actually), good taste is movies, and really easy to talk to. So I went into this thinking, good, someone new! What I wanted.
And it was what I wanted. We really got along. Everything clicked. It all felt natural. Right. Easy. The way I imagined it should. Now keep in mind, I've been much closer to marriage and wasn't ready to think those things yet. In fact, we met July 3rd and our relationship is over as of October 2nd, so I wasn't moving any faster than time would allow
However, on our fourth date, Ashlee suggested I meet her family. On our fifth, we told each other we were serious and in a commited relationship. We both took down our profiles on OKcupid.
I eventually did meet her family. Who I loved. She met mine. Lovefest all around. No complaints
School started back up in September, and I knew she would be busy and see me less. However, we had a good thing going here and I figured it would just be an adjustment
Then. I noticed a change. She didnt seem as excited to see me. Didnt say the loving things that she normally did. On Labor Day weekend she told me she worried that we spent too much time together.
Of course, Im an overanalyzer and neurotic. So I kinda took that as her wanting to not see me as much
In fact I came home that day and typed this out in a word document...

So she tells me on Monday that she is worried that we will take each other for granted. That if she sees me too much she wont
miss me. She wants to see if she will miss me if we go sometime without seeing each other. So i ask if she still wants to
see me. She laughs and says of course. And then tells me she is worried about telling me these things because it may hurt my
feelings. Yet, I cant help but feel hurt now. Because I suggest over and over that we get dinner this week. And she doesnt call
well...not as much as I would like anyway
So I sit and pine
And I think "what if she doesnt call?" is she not that into me anymore? have i done something to offend or annoy her?
What can I do? How do i NOT think? Do I need to take meds? Do i need to do therapy more often? Is it true what people say that
she hasnt lost interest and she just wants to be sure we dont take each other for granted? Is it ok to ask her when we are
going to see each other again? Is it ok to call her? If I dont, will we be in a stand off again? Of who asks whom out?
I dont want to play games. I want to KNOW that she wants to see me as much as I want to see her. I want her to be excited to see me
I want her to put me first. At least as often as I do. Because I really feel myself in love with this girl. And not just
because I "dont want to be alone". ANd not because I think shes cute, or funny, or she likes the same movies I do. Because
I feel connected to her. And I dont want that to go away...
Then I remember that I've been through a woman basically leaving me at the altar. So I know I can get over a girl
that I have been seeing for 2 months. If she decides she cant see me anymore. Then I also remember that she says she does still
want to see me. And that she is probably just being proactive rather then reactive. I need to be a supportive man to her.
That shows her she can open up and be honest with me.
Why do I get a lump in my throat when I think of these feelings? My heart starts racing, my palms start sweating...I get scared
Do I just need to breathe? Meditate?
I hate
hate
hate
my brain

But she kept calling. Nearly every day. I dont know much about women, but I do know that if they arent interested, they dont call. So why would she call right?
We continue to see each other. Just not every waking moment of every free moment that we have. Which is fine. Again, an adjustement.
Two weeks ago, I go with her and her family to her cousins wedding. At her place afterwards she tells me she doesnt always look at me and think she is in love with me. Or that I am the one. I tell her "thats fine, its too soon". But then, she gives the kiss of death..."I fear I just see you as a friend".
She continues to see me. She even says "I want to be your girlfriend". Which is great. But I just take it as she needs space, needs to figure things out, needs to be left alone.
So I do. Back way off
And guess who continues to call?
And make weekend plans?
And text?
These things reasurre me that I am right. However, I have this crazy brain that overanalyzes, overthinks, and assumes the worst. But confidence eventually comes back. If only a little.
Thursday night (4 days ago), she called. We made plans for Friday night. In Appleton. She texts me Friday morning saying we should meet in Green Bay instead. My first thought (which turns out to be true) is that she wants to come here to break up with me. Ive always been the breaker upee after all, I can see the signs.
She comes over, tells me she has just been single for so long, and is so independent that she just cant do a relationship right now. Doesnt know how to. Well, none of us really know how to do we? We just do them and go with it. She says she doesnt feel the "spark" and the "in love" feelings. This may be where I vary from Ashlee the most. I honestly think that when you meet someone, and you can get along with that person, and there arent any games, and you click, and dont fight, and your family loves that other person, and you like spending time with that person, and everything feels...right...you should continue it. Now that may not mean that person is "the one" but it at least is something worth exploring. I dont know if that "spark" can exist. I dont even know of couples who have been married for 20 years that can look at each other and think "oh my god this person is amazing and totally right for me" EVERY DAY of their life. But, Ashlee doesnt feel that for me, and I cant force her to or even try to change her mind.
So she leaves Friday night
And another person I thought I could have a future with is out the door.
And how do I feel? Well I dont have to wonder anymore, thats a plus. I dont have to wonder if I can call her, or if she will call me, or when I will see her again. Now I know that we aren't meant to be, and I am one girl closer to meeting someone that is right for me.
But
We spent a LOT of time together. Sometimes entire weekends. Up until 330/4 in the morning talking. Laughing. So, even though it was just over 2 months, I feel a part of my life is missing. A big, good part of my life.
I also go into the self destructive mode. What did I do wrong? Why am I only a "friend" to every girl I meet? What is wrong with me?
I honestly think that there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome of this. And I really do believe that she just isnt ready.
I just dont want to be hurt again. But the only way to avoid that is to not even try to meet "that girl".
You can comment, you can call, you can read or not....
I just want to write to get this off my chest

its been a long time.
and maybe now i am inspired
well at least to just...spew...purge...get it all out
a few things of note
1. having an hdtv/blu ray is awesome... good investment
2. have you seen my new yard yet? you really should. mom, bill, and i spent a lot of time on it a few weekends ago and it really paid off
3. the new green day album is simply amazing. simply
4. i got a new laptop a few months back. im writing this posting from it. so, it must be working ok huh?
5. walks are the best therapy. at least right now
6. im going to read outside after this
7. im vowing to read a LOT this summer. i have a bag of books im borrowing from my mom. id like to rediscover stephen king...and read some things ive been told i "must"
8. if time travel was possible, i honestly dont know if i would go back or forward?
9. why oh why didnt danny gokey win idol? ah well, at least adam didnt...
10. quantum leap is just as good as you remember. netflix it
11. im tired of night terrors. they are coming more frequently. who knew i could scream like a girl so much?
12. so far the best movie of the summer has been star trek. drag me to hell a close second
13. i REALLY wanna see "dr terribles sing a long blog". out on dvd tomorrow
14. when does my job get good again?
15. is this a holding pattern or is it forever?
16. i cry more now then when i was younger...is this menopause?
17. i have a three day weekend in a few weeks. and i want to go somewhere. milwaukee or chicago im thinking....
18. i like the sound this keyboard makes when i type
19. should i write? i have so many ideas for a book, novel, screenplay, short story...do i got in me to work that hard at it? and be dedicated?
20. so what is out there? who or what is watching us? anything? i dont know. and i think thats ok

Current Mood: hopeful

I just finished watching this wonderful movie and felt the need to write.
Rarely does a movie make me want to do that, so kudos to it for that
You're welcome
Let me start by saying I recommend it. Highly. I dont want to give away too much, but if you read the plot of it on imdb or netflix or google or what have you, you will get the gist of it
True story
Young man has a stroke
Gets paralyzed from head to toe
Cant speak
Tells his life story through dictation by blinking.
Wow
Pretty deep already
Go see the movie
Here's the thing that stands out for me.
At least right now
There is a scene where you hear an "internal monolgue" of the main character saying how all he has is his memories, and his imagination...And his regrets
And how he regrets all of the "moments of happiness" slip by him. That he regrets not allowing himself pleasure.
Its easy for anyone to say "sieze the day", "live in the now", or other cliches
But do I do it?
I dont think as much as I should or can
We only are here for a short time
And, despite what a lot of faith based things tell us, we dont REALLY know what happens to us when we arent here anymore
So, why not?
Enjoy life
Do what feels right
Or you will regret it
I think its a greater risk to wonder about the things that you never let yourself do rather then the consequences of the things you have done

Current Mood: contemplative

I spend a lot of time thinking about this...How we are raised to think that there is just "one person" for us. There is "the one" for everybody. A soulmate, your life partner, what have you. Of course I'm a romantic so I actually grew up liking this idea. How when you meet that "one person" everything will be easy and simple and problem free.
I have met many women in my lifetime and dated a few of them. And I thought I met "that one" a few years ago. Amazing though how when she walked out those thoughts of "forever", "soulmate", and "the one" walked out with her. Obviously she ISNT that one cuz she's not here...
So then I started getting down on myself. What if I did something to push that ONE away? What if I was just too stupid to realize that she was the one when she was here?
Then I had a heart to heart about this with a few of my friends. And I had my eyes opened with this from watching the Brady Bunch in bed this morning.
Stay with me here
Both Mike and Carol Brady had been married before the start of the show. They each had three kids from the previous marriages. Perfect, arayan, well behaved children. So I know this show isn't THAT true to life, but I digress...
Both Mike and Carol had thought the person that they had married before each other was "the one". They had to. Or they wouldnt have married that person. Right? I mean, this was the 60's, you didnt just marry someone over night a la Britney Spears.
So, I am pretty sure that both of their respective spouses died in the Brady Bunch world. Divorce, I am assuming, would be too scandolous for audiences back then.
Somehow Mike and Carol picked up the pieces in their lives, met each other, fell in love, and this group somehow formed a family. THATS the way they all became the Brady Bunch.
So, maybe this proves that there ISNT just one person for every person. We just stumble through life until we find someone who can tolerate us. And if they are no longer in our lives, we hire a quirky housekeeper, wear loud shirts, and have wacky adventures every week with a new person.
Maybe I think too much.
Maybe I will learn something from the "Alf" marathon on later today.

Current Mood: hopeful

But I need to write again.
My brain is a crazy crazy thing. The weird thoughts that take over somedays I just cant explain. But, Im glad Im not the only one.
I have been watching Conan O'Brien all week cuz of his leaving last night. Er, ya know, taking over for Jay in a few months. On Thursday night's show, Jerry Seinfeld was on and actually did some new stand up material. While I would consider him one of my favorite comedians, and lets not kid ourselves, his sitcom was just the best ever. Period. But, his new material was kinda...disappointing. Nothing really earth shattering...
BUT, he had a really good bit...
About how your brain manufactures these thoughts that you dont really want. He talked about how you can be at dinner with someone and your brain, without any prompting, just says "I could easily murder this person right now and no one would notice". Or how you first go to a building and if you are on a higher floor you look down and go, "What would all these people do if I jumped from here right now?"
Its crazy, but I have those thoughts too.
And what I've learned lately is that you literally have NO control over ANY thoughts.
I have gotten the advice over the last few months of "Well, just stop thinking about it."
Can we?
Can I?
Can you just TRY REALLY hard to not have certain thoughts and then they just go away? Is this why some people do drugs?
Or is it just me?
Im on the fifth floor working today and its dark in the building cuz its Saturday. So Im bored, tired, and the noggin is working over time. My thoughts are all over the place. What did THAT mean? Why is it so dark in here? Im tired. I get to leave in 3 and a half hours. I wonder what drama will occur in my life THIS week? What did THAT mean? Does she think about me like this? What did THAT mean? I wonder if I jumped what people would do...
But I wont.
Says my brain

Current Mood: contemplative

To tide you over until the next real writing..

This first one is actually kinda cool. You should try it sometime, especially if you have the kind of music obsession I do


1. Put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, etc. on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT IS!!


IF SOMEONE SAYS 'ARE YOU OKAY' YOU SAY?
"Handshake Drugs" -Wilco


HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF?
"Perhaps Vampire is a Bit Strong But..."-Arctic Monkeys


WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
"What Goes On" - Velvet Underground


HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
"True Faith" - New Order

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
"No Name #4" - Elliott Smith

WHAT'S YOUR MOTTO?
"Jail Break" - Thin Lizzy

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
"Wake Up Mr. West" -Kanye West

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
"Hysteria" - Def Leppard

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
"Days" -The Kinks

WHAT IS 2 + 2?
"Seen the Light" - Supergrass

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
"Rock Steady" - The Whisperers

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
"Horny Toad" - Prince. HAHAAHA that is AWESOME

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
"Marakessh Express" - Crosby, Stills, and Nash

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
"Sad Professor" - R.E.M.

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
"Is She Really Going Out with Him?" - Joe Jackson. Not bad...

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
"Short Circuit" -Daft Punk

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
"Alabama Rain" - Jim Croce

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST FEAR?
"(White Man) in Hammersmith Palais" - The Clash

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
"Tenth Avenue Freeze Out" - Bruce Springsteen

WHAT DO YOU WANT RIGHT NOW?
"I Wish it Would Rain"- The Temptations hmmm...

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
"Secret"- Maroon 5

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOURSELF?
"Down with the King"- Run D.M.C. totally...

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
"Who Is It" - Michael Jackson
And the thing that everyone is doing now, the 25 things about me note...

Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.

1. I love music. It is my constant source of inspiration, stress relief and escape. I like most anything. Except new country. I really gave it a go and just couldnt... Favorites are classic rock, new rock, some pop, and a little bit of Hip Hop
2. Because of this I would rather go blind then deaf
3. I am trying to write more. I now keep a "blog" at bryansiebers.livejournal.com (I will post this on there as well)
4. I dont expect anyone to read it. It just feels good to write.
5. I want to learn how to play guitar
6. My favorite color is red, it has been since 7th grade
7. I hate chocolate. I know, I know. Im a communist
8. I fear dying alone now more then I have ever have in my life
9. And not being a dad
10. Then I remind myself it's ok to work on myself...for now
11. I sometimes take 2 showers a day. Sometimes that is the best 30 minutes of the day
12. I value friendships and relationships with other people more then money, my job, or anything I "own"
13. If I lost the people I consider my best friends, then I would feel truly alone..
14. I have an irrational fear of pictures of Jesus. I dont know where this stems from or how to get rid of it, but I sometimes get panic attacks near crucifixes.
15. I dont have facial hair for the first time since 2005. I still look in the mirror and go "wow, really?!"
16. I want to marry Lily Allen
17. For the first time in a long time, I looked back on Jr High kind of fondly last night when Ken and I were watching a movie about high school. Maybe it wasnt as bad as I remember I thought..
18. Paul is my favorite Beatle
19. I am very self concious about having bad breath
20. I like how I look in a shirt and tie
21. I wish I wasnt balding
22. My sense of humor is my saving grace. It has gotten me through some tough times (like now) and if I had to tell someone why they should spend time with me, that would be my answer.
23. When I was a kid, I thought the age I currently am (31) was ancient. Now it just...is...
24. I've never gone skiing
25. I like having plans. I HATE just going ok see you in five minutes when it comes to social things. Mostly cuz I REALLY like having things to look forward to.